


Say my name again

by Kalpana



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Bones briefly, But Fixed, First Kiss, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Sulu briefly, based on E01S24 This side of paradise, but not too much, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:21:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23903047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalpana/pseuds/Kalpana
Summary: The crew of the Enterprise has arrived at planet Omicron Ceti III to discover that the colonists there that should be dead are actually leading the happiest of lives. Spock joins in and Kirk find himself jealous. What does he actually feel for Spock, and how is he going to get him back?This is basically a rewriting of s01e24 This side of paradise but fixed for you. Don't read if you haven't watched the episodes (because spoilers).
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 8
Kudos: 87





	Say my name again

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the episode today and I indulged myself in what it could have been.
> 
> I didn't have a beta and English isn't my native language, so concrit and suggestions are welcomed.

Jim couldn’t believe his eyes. Spock, had something with this girl? It is not like he believed, not even for a second, what his science and first officer would very much like to have everyone think: that he was a perfect Vulcan in absolute control of his emotions. Well, Jim mostly believed that last part - but in the months they had been serving together, he had come to the conclusion that, even if indeed in a fair control of his emotions, Spock felt and understood them more than he let anyone see. Like right now. Jim was looking at Spock from the corner of his eyes. He could see the Vulcan hadn’t twitched his left eye nor his lips when Leila mentioned their… old acquaintance. Nothing on the surface - under it, Jim thought… no, he couldn’t continue that track of thought. It was too distracting. There were matters at hand to attend to. He used all his energy to focus on Sandoval again.

‘Mr Sandoval, we do have a mission here. Examinations, tests…,’ Jim said.

‘By all means, make them. I think you’ll find our settlement an interesting one,’ Sandoval replied.

Jim followed Sandoval to continue their survey of the colony, Bones after him. Where was Spock? He had already got used to feeling the Vulcan just a step behind him. What was he doing? Jim was just about to turn around and call for his first officer when he heard his light steps towards him. Ok, no need for alarm, Jim thought. Spock had just...lingered. With Leila. He would tease him about it later. Yeah, that would solve the uncomfortable feeling that was penting up his chest.

***

Omicron Ceti III was a beautiful planet, and a mysterious one. How could this colony had survived the berthold rays, and how could everyone be so content and healthy? It was an enigma he meant to crack, apart from having to follow Starfleet orders and evacuate all colonists to Starbase 27. Jim looked around for his first officer, who would probably be able to give him some answers, or some working hypothesis at least. But he was nowhere to be seen. And he wasn’t the only one missing from his landing party.

‘Where is Mr. Spock? And Mr. Lasalle?’ Jim asked Sulu.

‘We haven’t seen them since we began our check,’ Sulu said.

‘Did Spock called in at all?’ Bones asked, perplexed by the absence of the most regulation-abiding officer.

‘No, he didn’t,’ Jim said, and opened his communicator. ‘Spock! Spock!’ No reply came through the line. The frequency was correct though. Where was he? ‘Spock!’

‘Yes, what did you want?’ Spock’s voice finally came through the communicator. 

‘Spock, is that you?’, Jim asked, slightly concerned at the strangely lazy tone of his first officer. He had never heard the Vulcan speak loosening his consonants, almost drawling. Was it possible? Was he hurt?

‘Yes captain, what did you want?,’ the Vulcan replied, in the same tone.

What had got into him? His instincts told him something was amiss.

***

How right had his instincts been. Once this mess was all over, he would use this case to prove to his first officer how instinct was a perfectly valid source of knowledge. If he managed to get out of it. He still didn’t have a plan. Jim couldn’t help flinching when he thought of the phrase “his first officer”. He looked over to Spock’s station, empty as every other station on the Enterprise. He had never felt so alone. 

_"Captain's log, stardate 3417.7. Except for myself, all crew personnel have transported to the surface of the planet. Mutinied. Lieutenant Uhura has effectively sabotaged the communications station. I can only contact the surface of the planet. The ship can be maintained in orbit for several months, but even with automatic controls, I cannot pilot her alone. In effect, I am marooned here. I'm beginning to realize just how big this ship really is, how quiet. I don't know how to get my crew back, how to counteract the effects of the spores. I don't know what I can offer against paradise."_

He dictated on to the log the particulars of the situation while pacing along the bridge, caressing the unmanned stations. He had to get his Enterprise back, his crew back, Scotty and Uhura and Sulu and Bones and Spock back. Especially Spock. Without him, he was lost. If he could at least get him back… then, together, they could do _anything._

Jim stood up from Sulu’s helm when the alien flower showered him with the spores.

And then he understood. He felt peace and contentment. He hadn’t been making any sense before. Why bring Spock back up when he could simply beam down and join him? And the rest of his crew, his Enterprise family. That was the solution! Jim hurried to his quarters to start packing. He wouldn’t feel lonely on the planet, with his friends and…

But Leila was there too. What if Spock didn’t… ‘Didn’t what, Jim?’ He asked himself. Didn’t...he wasn’t even sure of what word he was looking for. Didn’t _like_ him? If Spock didn’t… wasn’t... like he was when on the bridge, when playing chess, when they were in an away team, what if they weren’t as they used to be?

Who did they use to be? Captain and first officer. The Enterprise. Starfleet. Jim stopped packing and went to his desk, where he took out from a hidden drawer one of his medals. A recognition of his value, his skills, his ambition. The Academy. They had made him the youngest captain in the fleet, and given him command of the Enterprise… No, no, this was useless. Why was he feeling remorse at the idea of leaving the Enterprise? He would be happier with the rest of his crew, down on the planet. Yeah, that was exactly what he ought to do.

Suitcase in hand, Jim arrived at the transporter room, and set it all up, ready to beam down and join the others. Join Paradise. He left the suitcase on the platform, went to the controls and…

_What was he doing?_

If he left the Enterprise, there would be no one to beam him back up! There would be no way to return to his ship. His ship! Jim struck the console panel. No one nor nothing was going to separate him from his beloved Enterprise!

That was it. That... had changed him… or rather changed the spores. Their effect was gone. His anger, his fury had broken off their influence, the euphoria, the contentment… He was James T. Kirk again, Captain of the Enterprise again, and always. 

And now, he had a plan.

***

It had given Jim immense pleasure to find Spock eager to have him settling down on the planet, and “amenable”, as the Vulcan would have said, to follow his suggestion of beaming back up to get some supplies for the settlement. He had used the logical argument that if he beamed down without the supplies, it would be impossible to get back for them at any other time. Jim had rightly suspected that, spores or no spores, Spock’s upbringing was too deeply rooted to just vanish. 

It hadn’t given him any pleasure at all having to insult his friend and dear officer so as to get him angry enough to dispel the effect of the spores. The blows had been painful too, as well as seeing the playful smile he had never thought possible on Spock’s face disappear. ‘Not forever’, Jim hoped. At least now he was certain that Spock was capable of smiling. Of loving.

What had Spock learned from his experience in Omicron Ceti III? He was eager to ask.

“I have little to say about it, captain. Except that for the first time in my life, I was happy.” That had been Spock’s concise reply.

Indeed he had looked happy. When Jim found him perching from a tree, with Leila, laughing… Laughing! Well… What a truth to swallow. Spock can laugh, can love… Can he laugh with people other than Leila? Love someone other than Leila?

***

At the end of the shift, Jim went directly to his quarters. He thought of passing by sickbay and having Bones give him something for the stomach wrenching he was feeling, but he knew Bones, and he would either tease him about having stayed at Omicron Ceti III, or would just write him off sick. But Jim wasn’t ready to be so close to losing command of the Enterprise again, not so soon. Probably, he just needed a good night’s sleep.

He changed into his regulation pajamas and lied down, his arm under his head. He couldn’t help to think over and over the events of the day. He heard again Spock’s spore driven tone, the soft and lazily spoken words “I didn’t want to, _Jim_.” He saw Spock’s smile again, covering that usually grave and focused countenance, those bright eyes. Had he been right, taking all that away from Spock?

Jim’s thoughts trailed. The spores, they couldn’t make anyone do or feel something they couldn’t on their own, could they? And that woman, Leila, was still on the ship, as they traveled to Starbase 27 to drop the colonists there. Would Spock be visiting her, meeting her again? And what if he did? Jim couldn’t pinpoint why the idea of Spock and Leila together was so painful, but he was old enough to recognize that there was no doubt about it, that he was jealous.

He turned around and curled up on bed. He really ought to go to sickbay and get some sleeping pills. 

His door chimed. He didn't reply. Who could be at this hour? If it were an emergency, it would be the comm buzzing. It could surely wait. The visitor thought otherwise, because the door chimed again. Jim stood up with a groan and said ‘Come in!’

Spock appeared in the hallway, still in his blue uniform. He took a second before stepping in, letting the door close behind him.

‘What is it, Spock?’ Jim asked.

‘Captain, I would like to apologize for the behavior I displayed in the transporter room. I know you … stirred me on purpose to get me out of the spores’ influence, but it is a fact that I hit a superior officer.’ Spock said. ‘Starfleet regulation indicates clearly that the punishment for this offense is…’

‘Oh, come on, Spock, I forgive you. As you said, I provoked you. If you gave me some bruises that’s my fault,’ Jim replied.

‘But, captain, if…’

‘Enough, Spock. Really. You did nothing wrong,’ Jim closed the distance between them. ‘If anyone should apologize here, that must be me. I’m sorry Spock. For what I said in the transporter room about you - you know I don’t think any of those things - and for taking your happiness away from you.’ Once he let it out from his chest, he felt much better. He could finally look Spock in the eyes. ‘Will you forgive me?’

If Spock had resumed his litany or if he had raised his eyebrow to deflect the tension, Jim would have known for sure that everything was all right between them. As it used to be. However, Spock did none of those things - instead, he stood still, his lips pressed and his left eye twitched. Jim recognized those signs. Spock was feeling something he was trying to control. He had to give him some time.

‘Don’t need to worry about having hit a superior officer, Spock,’ Jim started, filling the silence so that Spock had time to get a grip. ‘I’m worried about you, actually.’

‘It is not only the fact that I commited a punishable offense according to regulations that “worries” me. Also that I hit a friend, _Jim_.’ Spock said. Jim’s face brightened. He always felt a certain warmth whenever Spock used his first name. 

‘It’s ok, Spock,’ Jim said smiling. ‘Like I said, it’s me who should apologize. Those things I said about you…’ a wince stopped him.

‘I know you didn’t say them in earnest. I was not myself under the influence of the spores, however you were most successful in awakening in me the anger you sought. Despite celebrating your success, I am actually ashamed that I allowed myself to be overcome by anger.’

‘Well, now we are both ashamed.’ Jim laughed. ‘Don’t let it get to you. As you said, it was the spores… However, there is one thing that disturbs me, Spock. You say you were not yourself under the influence of the spores, but to what extent that Spore-Spock weren’t you? I mean, I used logic to get you to beam aboard the Enterprise again, and on the bridge you said _you_ were happy. And that, for the first time in _your_ life.’ Jim had started pacing around the cabin, but now he stopped and turned around to look at Spock again, who was still standing in the same spot. ‘I can’t shake the feeling that I did wrong in dispelling the effect of the spores on you. You were happy and I… took it all away from you.’ he gasped for breath. ‘I’m really sorry, Spock.’

The Vulcan stepped forward until he was mere inches away in front of his captain. 

‘Jim. You did the right thing. I don’t yet understand the entire experience I had on the planet, but I am myself now, not before. I did say I was happy, but that happiness was human and artificial. I am not human. I am your science and first officer serving on Starfleet’s Enterprise, and there is no one else, nowhere else I would rather be.’

Jim’s look softened, his eyes brimming with hope. His right hand brushed Spock’s arm, and lingered there, in a reassuring gesture that, at least, was reassuring for him. 

‘I must say it was quite refreshing to see you smile and laugh, Spock,’ Jim confessed, carried away by that reassurance. ‘You looked quite handsome.’ His hand still on Spock’s arm, he felt his first officer’s body flinch. Feeling bolder, he said: ‘Frankly speaking, I wouldn’t mind seeing you smile and laugh more often.’

Spock was at a loss to reply. Jim noticed a flicker in his eyes he hadn’t seen before. He continued: ‘Of course, I know I don’t have Leila’s charms, and that the Enterprise isn’t as lovely a class M planet with mild weather and green pastures, and that our work isn’t always so gratifying as leisurely climbing trees but, still.’

‘As a Vulcan,’ Spock started, ‘it would be inappropriate of me to laugh and smile; however, I find the Enterprise an extremely well designed and efficient starship, our duties interesting and satisfying to perform and I find you to be exceptionally charming, Jim.’ Again, his first name. If he heard it once more, he didn’t know what he could do if he heard it once more.

Spock’s left hand moved slowly until it perched on Jim’s arm. It felt soft, and good. Jim wanted to look at it, but at the same time he didn’t want to miss anything of what was going on on Spock’s eyes.

‘Ahem, you looked rather, and quite naturally, enthralled with Leila,’ Jim said. 'I was hoping your newly discovered ability to laugh wasn’t constricted to a single woman.’

‘Leila is nothing to me. We met regularly for a short period of time, very long ago. She felt for me things I couldn’t feel without being induced by the spores,’ Spock explained.

Jim sighed.

‘Is there anyone who is something to you?’

That flicker in Spock’s eyes again. 

‘If my acquaintance with human behavior is correct, I think my answer would better be expressed in a kiss.’

‘And you are asking my permission?’

‘Indeed.’

‘Say it again. My name.’

Spock bore his eyes into Jim’s before whispering it.

‘ _Jim._ ’

**Author's Note:**

> Based too on this interview: http://www.beyondspock.de/interviews/print/shatner_where_no_man.php


End file.
